Life Is Hard

Dear Diary,

Dr. Callie - who we've taken to calling "McGiant" - scares me.  Now, she's married to George (you know - McSnuggly).  And that just totally doesn't work.  See, I've slept with George.  And I know he's only into size 2 doctors like me.

Then Callie comes along - and she's like a size 200!  I mean, she's huge!  She's so huge, all I can do is picture my poor McSnuggly vanishing into her giant bosom. And what if he never gets out!  He could be lost, lost forever between her giant breasts, and we'll never see him again!

Poor Izzy is beside herself - I caught her eating a whole half an M&M (talk about binging), because I think she thought that she would have McSnuggly as her guy friend forever and ever, and then he decides to get married.  

George - come back to us, the land of women who only weigh 85 points soaking wet, women who fear falling down the shower drain if we don't cover it with a washcloth!  Callie will only eat you!  

Come back, George!

Dear Diary,

I think I need more friends in my life who aren't all pretty doctors.  Maybe ugly doctors.  Or - something.

Hey - if there's someone who's reading my journal, add me as a friend, and I'll add you!  I need people who do other things.  Maybe you're a pretty pretty size 2 nurse.  Or a guy with an 8 pack stomack who works as a lawyer!

But no contortionists.  Those people make me jealous, because I wish I could stick my feet up around my head and chew on my own toes.  Mmmm - toes.

Dear Diary,

So, check it out.  This morning, I'm sitting there in the bathtub, totally covered in water.  I like to do that, because it makes me feel like I'm in a coffin, where I can feel nothing.

Because my life is *so* hard.  See, I'm a resident at a big Seattle hospital.  And my boyfriend is so dreamy, he's actually called Doctor McDreamy.  I think he has another name like "Bill" or "Ted", but everybody calls him Doctor McDreamy, so that's his name.

Anyway, so I'm in the water, thinking "Gee, it would be cool to be dead".  And then my boyfriend pulls me out of the water and starts yelling and asking what I'm doing.  Duh - I'm under the water!

But I forgave him, because he's, well, dreamy.  Then I have to squeeze into my size 0 pants, and that's so hard, because Izzy - my roomate who's a multimillionaire now because *her* boyfriend who's dead was really rich is a size -1 pant, and she's so much prettier than I am.  And has breasts, while I'm still waiting to go through puberty.  Whatever.

And the ferry stuff - it was just so hard!  I had just saved some guy's life while this creepy little girl was following me around - and I got knocked into the water!  I thought about swimming, really, diary, I did.

Then I started thinking - you know, my mommy who was a total bitch to everybody her entire life and cheated on her husband and generally is a horrible excuse for a human being - well, she called me ordinary.  Ordinary after I came running back from my European vacation because she got Alheimers and then I put myself through school and everything, and it was so hard!

So I decided not to swim.  Then I started to sink.  And that was easy, because I have no body fat because all I eat are carrots and celery sticks my entire life.  Why bother to swim, when my mean horrible witch of a mother called me ordinary, when I could be a big surgeon and make a gazillion dollars with my dreamy hawt boyfriend.  But, I'm ordinary, so - I'll just drink some sea water.  Life is so hard!

I think I got rescued or something, because then I had an out of body experience and I lived.  And my mom died.  I should just lock myself in a room for a year instead of having hot monkey sex with my dreamy surgeon doctor boyfriend.

Gawd - life is just so hard!